


handle it

by muddledhorror



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Autoimmune disease, Law School, Light Angst, Mild Language, Multiple Sclerosis, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-24
Updated: 2020-08-24
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:21:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26077120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/muddledhorror/pseuds/muddledhorror
Summary: Janus is struggling to take on both law school and his relatively recent diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis (MS), especially during a particularly harsh relapse.
Relationships: Deceit | Janus Sanders & Logic | Logan Sanders
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15





	handle it

When he woke up the water had been cold.

It hadn’t been the first time Janus had fallen asleep in the shower and if he was honest with himself, which frankly wasn’t generally the case, it probably wouldn’t be the last. It was a bad habit and did a serious number on his apartment’s water bill but long, hot showers after a particularly fatiguing week were simply not something he was willing to give up.

He was now sat on his bed, clad in slacks and a button up because despite having no classes to attend today he insisted upon looking trim as often as possible. Janus enjoyed dressing nicely and prided himself on his ability to do so; it made him feel good. Unfortunately, the yellow floral of his shirt and the crispness of his ironed trousers did not elicit such feelings today, most likely due to the overwhelming sensation that something was very much amiss. Obviously, when he had first gotten out of the shower he had felt some level of drowsiness, along with some slight difficulty with balance and dizziness, because those things were normal to experience when you passed out somewhere you shouldn’t have for over an hour and just woke up. Now, the issue lay in the fact that he had not only not yet regained his bearings, but felt even worse than before.

This was fine, he could handle himself. He got up to put on his socks and dress shoes— only to immediately be hit by a dizzy spell and fall back down into bed. Shit. The law student screwed his eyes shut, moving his hands to rub at his temples. There was so much he had to do today and he couldn’t let some... strain... get the best of him. He began to get up again, slower this time to avoid another fall, and braced one arm against the wall while the other grappled for the cane leaning against his nightstand until getting a solid grasp on it. See? He did that by himself with little trouble (a _truly_ incredible performance, if he did say so himself). The room swayed before him, Janus gritting his teeth and leaning fairly heavily on the cane to remain balanced.

~~There was a paper due Tuesday... Or... Or was it Friday? No, it was definitely Tuesday. But there was an extension, wasn’t there? So it would be due Friday. Or was that a different class?~~

There was a paper due soon and a grand amount of general studying to be done, so it would be best to get to it sooner than later, especially considering the time he had already so judiciously used when he conked out. He shakily trudged forward from the bedroom, disregarding the separate venture of putting on his shoes in favor of reaching his laptop. If he was going to earn his Juris Doctor by 25, a flare-up could not be allowed to slow his pace.

Now 23, he had been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis around a year ago. It was unexpected, to say the least, coming about right around the time he was graduating with his bachelor’s degree. Scheduling doctor’s appointments around school and dealing with unpredictable attacks was exhausting and beginning to wear his composure thin. He had the most common form of the disease, relapsing-remitting, where symptoms develop and then ease or go away in relapses and remissions of varying length. 

Janus was all for self care, don’t get him wrong, but this field was his passion and he wasn’t going to let it be taken from him, even by his own body. Besides, it was always easier to advocate for others’ well-being than one’s own, everyone knew that.

As he sat down at his desk, he let his cane lie propped up beside him. His head still spun and it took a moment for everything to stand still again, but he was able to get a hold of himself. Though, his eyelids were heavy and a potent weariness still clung tight to him, making his motivation to actually do the work as planned very slim. He opened his laptop with a hint of reluctance, pressing the power button and steepling his fingers while waiting for it to boot up. 

At least according to what he has been told, he tended to steeple his fingers quite often, a unique mannerism that added to his character. Because what is one’s character but a tangle of oddities not worth regarding? The lilt of the voice, the colloquialisms, the hand gestures and habits of retaining or avoiding eye contact. Every detail contributes to the whole, The Persistence of Memory would not be The Persistence of Memory if an ant or eyelash was omitted, just as Janus would not be himself if he did not steeple his fingers. 

Their pads tapped against one another in consecutive order, eyes already having long since registered the lit screen demanding his log in information but willing it away with relatively trivial internal rambling. The display dimmed and he let out a resigned exhale, hands wiping down his face in an unsuccessful effort to wake himself up, then moving in turn to wake the laptop up and finally log in. 

Everything felt tedious, slow. He didn’t know whether this relapse would last until tomorrow or for the rest of the month, but either way he would much rather sleep through it than sit wallowing and being unproductive. Janus was many things but apathetic was not one. He was not lazy or careless as he was sure his professors may suspect when his work suddenly declined in quality, he just... Often couldn’t find it within himself to do most things. Which felt rather lazy and careless to him, but those were terribly unpleasant labels to give oneself and he didn’t feel like he could deal with endorsing that kind of negative thinking at the moment.

A glass of water sounded nice right about now, but getting up and moving around again sounded significantly less appealing so he decided not to bother. He hadn’t had breakfast yet, either, but cooking anything seemed out of the question. At least he had taken a shower, brushed his teeth. Completing basic hygiene was a pretty low bar for taking care of yourself, but sometimes you have to take what you can get.

Janus opened the document he was working on, an analysis of an old case. A fair deal of the legal vocabulary used in it was archaic and gave the read an unnatural flow, but he had always been good with english and was able to comprehensively catch on very quickly relative to his colleagues. He scanned over what he had written already, then did the same with the reference material before starting to type a continuation to the train of thought he had left on last time he worked on it. It became a little easier once he settled into a rhythm, gradually producing a decent sum of words. Even still he was fairly out of it, mind foggy and bones of lead.

Becoming frustrated was easy when what should be a stroll was instead wading through molasses. He was progressing but not as fast as he could be, should be. There was no reason to get caught up over speed, or efficiency, rather, when he should be working to complete the assignment at the pace he could right now when he had the time. But Janus was far from a perfect person and listening to logic proved to be challenging when he was already actively fighting himself.

It wasn’t that he was concerned about his competence and ability to be independent, not at all, especially when he considered how early he had been administered a cane from diagnosis. He wasn’t doubting whether or not he would actually be able to practice law once he graduated, either. Not once did it cross his mind to worry about what he knew would eventually come, that many of these symptoms would become more permanent as time went on. That aspect of his disease didn’t scare him in the slightest. Janus’s eyes didn’t sting and a lump didn’t form in his throat, nor was his laptop screen totally black now, reflecting what wasn’t him in a state of crisis. Everything was fine. He could handle himself. He had to be able to handle himself or else—

His cell phone rang.

“Christ,” he hissed under his breath, swiftly paying the price for having whipped his head around to face it with another bout of dizziness.

Logan was calling. They always called on Sundays. Damn it, how could he have forgotten?

The device rested on the table behind him, he figured he must have absently sat it down there when making the trek to his desk. It was close enough that he could hear its ring loud and clear, but far enough away that he couldn’t reach it from his chair. Janus would have to get up.

He groaned, carding a hand through his hair. Logan was important enough that Janus would go through the trouble. He held onto the side of the desk for stability when standing up, being smooth and measured in his movement, then grabbed his cane once fully upright. His whole apartment was off balance as he walked, phone still ringing and sure to drop off soon. Thankfully that is not what happened and he was able to pick up in what he presumed was the nick of time.

“Good, er,” he checked the clock, “Good afternoon, Logan.”

“Ah, good afternoon. I was beginning to suspect you may have been unavailable, evidently that is not the case.”

“Not at all, I just had difficulty finding my phone.” That was close enough to the truth.

“I’m glad, I look forward to our Sunday conversations,” he cleared his throat, “How is your case analysis progressing? It is due soon, Friday, correct?”

Considering how unreliable his memory had been this week and today especially, Logan probably knew when it was due better than he did so he would take his word for it. His eyes darted back to his laptop and he suppressed a sigh, cursing his earlier frivolousness.

“It’s going swell,” he had meant to sound sarcastic, but was caught off guard by how exhausted his voice came out instead. “I mean—!” He jolted upwards in starting to correct his tone, but found himself plummeting without control, the floor having tilted beneath him and vertigo overwhelming his senses.

After a pause, Logan’s now somewhat distant voice sounded from the phone again, “I— Are you alright?”

Yes, he had only just become an aching heap of limbs on the floor, all was well and good. He was fantastic. Positively wondrous. (Though in all seriousness, he was thankful he hadn’t hit his head on anything hard.)

Another pause, “Not particularly.”

“...I see. Would you care to discuss how so? I will not take any offense if not.”

Janus positioned himself so that he was sitting with his back against a table leg, reaching over to move his phone back closer to him and put it on speaker. He felt tired and defeated and would very much care to discuss how he wasn’t particularly alright, but the part of his brain that avoided being vulnerable like it was the plague screamed to backtrack, play it off like some sort of humorless joke. In the moment, though, it was a single “nay” amongst a sea of “aye’s” so he made the executive decision that that part of his brain could shut the hell up.

“I would, actually. Thank you.” The only downside to said executive decision is he wasn’t certain on how to progress from merely accepting the offer. Sure, he adored gossiping and would often endeavor to roll out a complaint or two, but this territory was quite different in that it pertained to himself in a very directly personal way. If he said this was something he did with any degree of frequency, he’d be a liar; which he wasn’t, _obviously_.

Something felt caught in his throat, preventing him from speaking his mind, and he swallowed hard as he combed through what he would say if he could.

“I have been having,” he took a deep breath, “a less-than-ideal day today. I expected I may have been having a flare up earlier this week when a few symptoms started to appear mildly, but today it spiked without warning and I’ve just— I’ve just been having a harder time dealing with it than I would like.” Janus grit his teeth, pinching the bridge of his nose then flicking his hand outwards, “In general I have been more and more uncertain about how much I can trust my ability to handle myself. Simple things like scheduling and studying have been tough.” His typically honeyed voice was tight, annoyance and nerves showing apparently. “Not to mention I just toppled over while on the phone you like a dolt.”

There was silence for what seemed far longer than it probably was on Logan’s end of the line, finally broken by an uncharacteristically ineloquent “Oh.”

Unsurprisingly he soon continued, “Firstly, I would like to inquire whether or not you are injured.”

“To my knowledge I am quite unharmed,” he replied admittedly a tad snippily, making a slight mockery of Logan’s phrasing whilst heaving himself and his phone up from the floor, making sure to stabilize his body with his cane this time.

“Good. Secondly, I would like to make it clear that while I will not overextend myself to do so, I would gladly be there for you to assist in matters of scheduling and studying. Act as an accountability partner of sorts, if desired. I am fond of those things, you know. If that sounds unappealing I am sure there are other people available to fill a similar role, including but not limited to the school counselors.” 

Logan paused and clicked his tongue, then started up again to say what Janus assumed would be something long winded, “You should continue to take your studies seriously and work hard, of course, perhaps using more effort to do so than you are used to at times, but it is also important to take breaks when needed. Sometimes you cannot simply ‘push though,’ MS can be debilitating and you are allowed to take time for yourself to cope appropriately. That doesn’t make you any less competent or hardworking, nor does reaching out for help, it makes you responsible.”

More often than not when Logan went off like that Janus was fired up to shoot back a sentiment just as long or longer, whether it be from an opposing perspective or in agreement. Now, however, he didn’t hardly know what to say at all. Logan had sounded perfectly sure in his proposal and advice, like it was the only rational thing to say in the moment. Janus hadn’t been shown a lot of kindness in his life and though he now surrounded himself with better people and friends than he once had, it still surprised him when they continued to prove their sincerity.

“Thank you for the reminder and proffer, Lo. I appreciate it.”

“It‘s no problem, there is no need for you to handle everything alone.”

**Author's Note:**

> Cross-posted from an Amino Community where this was an entry to a challenge (prompt: health) held by its lovely writing agency.


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